im sorry mum for slapping you in the face with all those harsh words.
im sorry im not perfect enough, im not what you expected.
i didn't force you for the divorce
in fact, i told you to cool down.
and now its like you are blaming me on the negativities surrounding you
mum im just 17 to be.i, myself am exploring life
i already hurt many souls as i go along
and now you're hurting me more than i hurt them
just one i would love to ask.
what would you do if eventually one day i went away far away?
you said that its better if i were dead,
are you regretting having me?
you choose your life to be in this way
and now all you do is blame me.
what the fuck have i done?
i wanted to be frank with you
but too bad you're just another stereotype freaks.
im not afraid of taking away my life mum
one thing you should know bout your daughter is that she's not afraid to do anything.
you implant hatreds towards me.
im your fucking biological daughter
i know, i've let you down.
but instead of encouraging me you bring me down
you are just trying to be dad and using your reverse psychology method on me
but honestly only dad have the skills to do that.
so quit trying.don't provoke me any further mum
i will go seriously.don't you cry.
a special one use to say
'cry your hearts out it will help'
but hell it don't work for me.
it only hurt my eyes.
people lie to cover themselves or NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS
its not my fault i have this phobia of getting beaten up by guys
and haidil i have nth going on with haikal.
even if i do you're nth to me
can't you for goodness sake see that you ruin my life?
that phobia comes from you!!
it hurts when haidil said this
'where's your hero? ala yang slamatkan you malam tu'
i swear, i cried after he said that
at this particular moment
im trying to live my own life
and shut my surroundings.
im choosing to forget everything.
all i know is that i don't have a mum
the person i called mum is just some heart breaker.
full of IFs
he's the cutest thing ever.and he's 17..
argh!!!!!!!!!! he makes my heart go hooha.
i skip work yesterday and i skip FISH class today.
i' m not sure what is happening but i seem rather restless and lethargic this few days.
i grew too fat for my size 26 jeans. and worst, i still can't squeeze myself in size 29
thats how fat i get since december 31 2007.
i' m gonna shave all this fats in a month..heheh like real.
i can't discipline myself to eat at the right time and stop before im famished.dang!
being fat is harder that you ever imagine.haha
waiting for maira to wake up to go window shopping dang!
exhaustion
i miss them much!
i've been working my ass off.
and payday is still so far away.
i need to get that red high cut and a bag and a HOODIE.
dang!
great spy experiment is performing this sunday bloody hell!
and slim chance of me catching it.
its still a dread for me to move on and forget (h.....)
a part of me already move on yet another want to catch a last glimpse of him
blah! i thought working can help me forget bout him,
fuckernehnehpok!
and im not growing any taller.
should i?
dear mum,
i promise you that one day i will go
and its not to make you sad
hence, make me happy
at least after i go i know you have one less child to think about.
im juggling everything on my fingertips
i plan to pay for my o level fees using my first pay
at least that way i won't add on to dad's burden
but when i ask you for money you shout at the top of your voice
you're my mum and yet you acted that way
if not you who else should give me money
and its not that when i get my first pay i wont give you money
moreover i will be giving you half of it.
what more do you want me to do as a daughter
you even call me a slut the other day
you said i was involved in vulgar activities.
i never expect it to be coming from you
till now im still hurt.
tears welling up but hey im strong enough to pull through
but my patience is at its peak.
i need someone to hug me and give me this sense of security, the warmth & the comfort
i kept thinking what life for you,mum would be like when im gone
and how would i end everything
does jumping down a block of flats hurt?
will consumption of sleeping pills slows down my death?
by being with friends i always hope it will somehow perished my sorrows
but its just too hurtful for me to ignore.
your voice,those hurtful words its on repeat in my mind
im trying hard enough to hide my sadness between those laughters
but hell it does hurt.
i can't handle this
im not strong enough
im as fragile as a glass.
i was never this way
im struggling to be independent, standing on my two bare feet
without getting help from you
but that is if my patience last.
