full of IFs

im sorry mum for slapping you in the face with all those harsh words.
im sorry im not perfect enough, im not what you expected.
i didn't force you for the divorce
in fact, i told you to cool down.
and now its like you are blaming me on the negativities surrounding you
mum im just 17 to be.i, myself am exploring life
i already hurt many souls as i go along
and now you're hurting me more than i hurt them
just one i would love to ask.
what would you do if eventually one day i went away far away?
you said that its better if i were dead,
are you regretting having me?
you choose your life to be in this way
and now all you do is blame me.
what the fuck have i done?
i wanted to be frank with you
but too bad you're just another stereotype freaks.
im not afraid of taking away my life mum
one thing you should know bout your daughter is that she's not afraid to do anything.
you implant hatreds towards me.
im your fucking biological daughter
i know, i've let you down.
but instead of encouraging me you bring me down
you are just trying to be dad and using your reverse psychology method on me
but honestly only dad have the skills to do that.
so quit trying.don't provoke me any further mum
i will go seriously.don't you cry.


a special one use to say
'cry your hearts out it will help'
but hell it don't work for me.
it only hurt my eyes.
people lie to cover themselves or NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS
its not my fault i have this phobia of getting beaten up by guys
and haidil i have nth going on with haikal.
even if i do you're nth to me
can't you for goodness sake see that you ruin my life?
that phobia comes from you!!
it hurts when haidil said this
'where's your hero? ala yang slamatkan you malam tu'
i swear, i cried after he said that





at this particular moment
im trying to live my own life
and shut my surroundings.
im choosing to forget everything.
all i know is that i don't have a mum
the person i called mum is just some heart breaker.

i find the statement funny.if u get what i mean.
me and my wild imaginations.woohoo!

he's the cutest thing ever.and he's 17..
argh!!!!!!!!!! he makes my heart go hooha.


i skip work yesterday and i skip FISH class today.
i' m not sure what is happening but i seem rather restless and lethargic this few days.
i grew too fat for my size 26 jeans. and worst, i still can't squeeze myself in size 29
thats how fat i get since december 31 2007.
i' m gonna shave all this fats in a month..heheh like real.
i can't discipline myself to eat at the right time and stop before im famished.dang!
being fat is harder that you ever imagine.haha


waiting for maira to wake up to go window shopping dang!

exhaustion

i miss them much!



i've been working my ass off.
and payday is still so far away.
i need to get that red high cut and a bag and a HOODIE.
dang!
great spy experiment is performing this sunday bloody hell!
and slim chance of me catching it.
its still a dread for me to move on and forget (h.....)
a part of me already move on yet another want to catch a last glimpse of him
blah! i thought working can help me forget bout him,
fuckernehnehpok!
and im not growing any taller.

should i?

dear mum,
i promise you that one day i will go
and its not to make you sad
hence, make me happy
at least after i go i know you have one less child to think about.

im juggling everything on my fingertips
i plan to pay for my o level fees using my first pay
at least that way i won't add on to dad's burden
but when i ask you for money you shout at the top of your voice
you're my mum and yet you acted that way
if not you who else should give me money
and its not that when i get my first pay i wont give you money
moreover i will be giving you half of it.
what more do you want me to do as a daughter
you even call me a slut the other day
you said i was involved in vulgar activities.
i never expect it to be coming from you
till now im still hurt.
tears welling up but hey im strong enough to pull through
but my patience is at its peak.
i need someone to hug me and give me this sense of security, the warmth & the comfort
i kept thinking what life for you,mum would be like when im gone
and how would i end everything
does jumping down a block of flats hurt?
will consumption of sleeping pills slows down my death?
by being with friends i always hope it will somehow perished my sorrows
but its just too hurtful for me to ignore.
your voice,those hurtful words its on repeat in my mind
im trying hard enough to hide my sadness between those laughters
but hell it does hurt.
i can't handle this
im not strong enough
im as fragile as a glass.
i was never this way
im struggling to be independent, standing on my two bare feet
without getting help from you
but that is if my patience last.

Stop and Stare

i've been smoking like hell this few days
mum caught me dazing for the umpteenth time.
till she starts questioning me like a private investigator
everytime i daze, i kept questioning
was what i did a HUMONGOUS mistake till you have to deal with it this way?
i guess i should believe it when they say
'after a break up leave your ex, don't even treat him as a friend'
i've been yearning to tell you everything
it was just a lie i told sub-consciously
im not perfect.
and im prone of doing things without thinking.
i really yearn to tell you everything.
the tears never stop flowing down
thats how important you are to me.




went to cousin house today
since uncle was discharged.
yadayadayadayada
i was dazing the whole time there
then went for supper with family at Sembawang.
the naan bread gives me orgasm.
prolly catching movies with the 'sape last anak babi' clique
and this ITE website is fcuking killing me
it won't ease the procedures i have to take for the application


i effingly miss haikal and gang like truckloads!!!
do meet soon.haha mcm phm


' i fcukingly need a boyfriend. ' - fadilah

hey boy.

you don't understand how difficult it is to move on.
i hate being emo
i hate showing my emo attitude towards my friends
i hate this fcuking emo attitude of mine
thanks to you
now i cant forget what happen on v day
you are the first boy that make me cry on v day
i hope you're happy now.urgh!!!
i dun even have the motivation to retake my o'levels anymore
i fcuking hate myself for the fact that i love you.
i feel like dying.

K U D A, muka kau ade pasir

sentosa was awesome.(speechless)
with the unexpected fireworks from 'sounds of the seas'
it sure made my day.
the full moon was beautiful.
we had our sing along session and camwhoring session
we should do this often yea.
i'll update more when i get those pics yea

maira!!!
you manage to infect me with your flu.
you're influential.gahahaha

my parents allow me to migrate and live with my aunt.
england here i come baybeh!

16/02/2008

Time spent with them really make my day
played pool at lucky plaza maira's treat
then to bugis then to arab street
for a big feast at Zam Zam maira's treat too
slacked there for awhile bitching bout u know who
what makes you think im flirting??
ii dun flirt, i already lost the skills
futhermore i still have feelings for that skaterboy
and im still recovering from this heartbreak
and please we are just friends
i don't intend to have any boyfriends
once bitten twice shy
shisha-ed with the guys cum our sing-a-long session
we talk crap..and then head home
took ab with dan and matin.
matin's treat.
and im looking forward for tuesday's outing!!!






oh skaterboy,
im still thinking of you
every night even in my dreams i may sound like a desperado but im not
i can't believe you did that to me
nevertheless i dun hate you,
you're forgiven
i never had such high hopes on someone before
you're the boy of my dreams
and its difficult for me to forget you.
i never intend to fall in love.
this tormentation is killing me

ps; im not being emo gahahaha

im a bitch
i never wanted to lie
and i regret doing so
in the end i lose you
i rather die i tell you

why you let me down? haha

i fcukingly need a study partner.
someone promise to be my study partner
at last habuk pon takda!
im like a stupid baboon browsing through every single things related with chem
i need a chem tutor!!!

i mean it

you're always on my mind this few days
and i can't seem to get rid of it.
everywhere i go i think of you
and its so hard for me to be happy
just so you know
im sure
i've fallen in love with you
and that i miss you truckloads
but you don't want to give me the chance
i wont let you down this time.

gosh i wish you were reading this.=(

i can't withstand this.
i miss you so much!!!

i hate the fact that i fall head over heels for you.
you manage to hurt me this much.
my tears are at the brim of my eyes.

i wish you read this.




' i' m waiting by the phone,
yearning for you to text me' - faddy (for you)

can't hold it any longer

i was dumb enough to think you like me too.
honestly, i made a fool out of myself.
but i had such high hopes when you stand up for me
the night which my ex came to hurt me.
i have to agree with Dinno
' never give a 100% to someone.'
its hard for me to fall for someone.
however, i fall heels over head for you.
but i guess, hopes are nothing but worthless expectation
i thought you were different form guys i have met previously.
but my instincts let me down.
i hate this feeling of wanting to cry but at the same time i' m holding it.
i was looking forward for the valentine' s outing maira told me about
however, i wont be able to enjoy it like how i pictured it to be
i have to wait like 24 hrs till you have the guts to tell me
the reason for your silence.
whatever that has gotten in to you manage to hurt me,
however thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know you.while it lasted
utterly embarrassed thinking of how foolish i was.
enough said



'and if you're listening, i miss you.
and you hear me now i need you.'- (meant for you)

infatuations , crushes , love , like , affection , adore
they do not mean a thing to me anymore
cause i have learn my lesson
never have high hopes
cause in the end its crush
you will feel as if you are clapping with one hand
im fucking emotionally disturbed!!!
i hate boys!!
i hate falling in love!!!
i hate everything!!!!

31 january 2008

i 'm like saving up money like hell for that shoe.

i have to get my hand on it.

i 'm trying to smile apart from the fact that im emotionally disturbed.
brothers are always out of the house never there when parents argue.
dad, i have no idea of his whereabouts.
mum, she's healing, i hope.
as for myself i 'm still coping
i don' know if i can hold it any longer.
i wish i had a bf, to pour my feelings too
to hold me tight and tell me that everything will be fine.
i think i 've made a bad decision.
if i were to retake can i score.
i 'm having sleepless nights studying, understanding every single facts.
i hope that this time i will make it through.
but with the negative surrounding i 'm in, ts not convincing enough for me to
encourage myself.
i have no appetite due to this problem, moreover studying.
i can't even concentrate on what i 'm studying.


LIFE IS HARDER THAN I THINK.PERIOD




' my feelings for you are way over the sky.
but i guess, i put such high hopes on you.
that im left clapping with one hand' - faddy

i never expect nor want this to happen..
why should i be involved?
i don't fancy being an emo kid.
stay together for the kids please!!

enough said,

22.01.08

i swear, im touched
you stood up for me; protecting me
no one has ever done that before.
and now im finally free from my ex
no words can describe how im feeling that moment
now im building up a new life.
thx for the hug, for everything
i love you.=)

I had fun yesterday,the previous day and a few days back
with him and maira around theres always laughter!
he bought kit kat for me yesterday
-a kit kat for a hug..gahahaa





'im loving every moment spent with you'- fadilah

CAUSE BROTHER AGREES WITH IT

What Fadilah Means

You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.
You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.
Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.



You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

"cupid shot me with his love arrow once again."

previous days has enlighten me in every way
although, i rot at home,
but still someone never fails to make my day
simply by texting me.
and my handphone will never be silent again.
ceybA~!

every 1.50pm,
bedok town students will create noise pollution
at my void deck.
and its getting on my nerves cause i want to sleep.
listening to your LOUD trance music..
cheeky girls shouting here and there.
an instance of a public nuisance.PERIOD
i miss math like truckloads.
i miss doing algebra.
i miss doing chemistry experiments.
but most of all i miss christopher phua
i miss you stupid dance moves.
and your jokes.
i miss the gang fights my matrep ex will get involve with.
i made a promise to myself no more matreps from now on
no matter how sweet, caring they are.those are sweet talks and cheap shots
to get attention from a girl.
and i can't believe i was once a fool over a matrep, who NEVER gives me happiness
but all thats gonna change,i guess.
"YAKIN MAU LEBIH"

i miss the 'sape last anak babi ' clique
throughout sec 1 till graduation
we were always together through thick and thin
despite multiple arguments and not being in the same class.
i miss the sexyback jokes.haahaha busted
aww..

i think its time for me to quit smoking
i want to reproduce after marriage
i want have twins of a boy and a girl
or
just two lovely kids, a boy and a girl
the boy will have my husband's facial features.and the girl mine of course
i wouldn't want to suffer harmful disease when im old,frail and weak
i certainly would not like to be a burden.
but well, all this takes time.
i can't just quit immediately
i need to learn control my temptations and whatever
hence, i will quit eventually


& i think im blabbering too much here.
i need to repair my digital camera.
but dang! im lazy to even lift my butt and take my shower
the toilet is chanting my name again, and so is mum

"YOU NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME SMILE,
& IM ADDICTED TO YOU" - fadilah

i feel like screaming!!!.period

monday blues..
gawd! i miss school.
i miss getting fed up over math sums, i miss christopher's lame jokes
i miss the mee soto, & i've been craving for it for months.
dang! i can shed tears i tell you.gahaha
mum has been pestering me to cut my hair.
come on la cant i at least keep it long.i love it this way
i want to get that zara hoodie by this saturday.
i need to read a n0vel real badly, im getting dumber by the day
for one more day - mitch albom please..



im getting happier by the day...
my tongue's all tied up when i hear your voice.






"im sitting here wishing for something thats missing.
im waiting for you to tell me that time keeps on passing
im hoping, im asking
to stand by your side. just for tonight" - all time low

i swear whats hannening - soulja boy
is an irritating song..no offence

"and when it rains
on this side of town it touches,everything
just say it again and mean it
we don't miss a thing
you made yourself a bed
at the bottom of the blackest hole
and convince yourself that
its not the reason you don't see the sun anymore." - paramore

time flew so fast today.

meyra said the other day " u have to pick one"
if im not mistaken la,
well i guess i've made my decision
this time no more matreps
dang! they either hurt you, play you out or etc
maira you know i know la eh..
oh i need information bout the force vomit gig
& can someone surprise me with balloons, =)

oh conversation between me and mum was hilarious

me: mak, deela nk ade matae bole
mum: bole sape die ak pon nk tgk
me: ala malu la die kalau mak nk jumpe
mum : eleh menyampah aku
mum: abg kau bace blog kau die kate kau suke *insert name*
mum: siape tu? ape tu?
me: haha org la ape lag kan.
mum: oh hensem tak
me: (smiling)
mum: dh terpikat la ni..tak padan kecik (laughing away)

dear mum,
i like u better this way
thanks for cutting down on the nagging


to haidil;
sorry im moving on
as i said no more matreps.
take care
miss me when im gone.





'the hounds of love are calling' - the futureheads

contented i am..

still contented from yesterday's outing.
looking forward for the next.




"i wish you're mine..gahahah" - fadilah

MY HEART SKIPS WHEN IM WITH YOU- I SWEAR

DESPERATION

im in desperate needs for that stick supplement..
been sticking my butt at home and cleaning the whole house
but i spend most of my time chatting rather than cleaning.
hahah maira should know why.
so today im finally free as a bird.
i can go anywhere i want and comes back late.
but the thing is i have no idea what to wear.
and daddy is not home yet.so no currency for the moment.
oh, and he called yest, it makes me smile for awhile
and yest night mum randomly said
"kau ni chat dgn siape ah tersenyum-senyum,dh due hari kau buat gitu.
gile eh..."

i was too engross in chatting that i just smile and keep on smiling
even in my sleep.
ok i guess till here..
the shower is chanting my name











"i can't see anyone when he's chatting with me" -fadilah

i aint dwelling.

aizad left and everything is falling apart.
and im to be blame for.
i thought we nth but just friend
and yet being friends you can't give me the freedom i wanted
i never fancy someone guarding over my shoulders
being somesort of a silhouette
you became overprotective after that desperate guy
told you he kissed me.
im not drown in desperation
nor am i sad we were not even together
cause im just 16, i need my freedom
plus i already have someone in mind.
but i still miss those late night calls.and memories of us

"this is the way you left me, im not pretending.
no hope,no love, no glory,
no happy ending" - mika

I SWEAR
im super duper ultimately happy today!!!
CHAT NGAN DIE BOLEH CAIR

back baybeh~

i have abandon this blog for far too long now
and since i became jobless thus gaining weight
i decide to start blogging.
i may not be great in recounts.
but however boring my day turns out to be.
i could not care less
cause in the end of the day no one is reading this pathetic whines of mine.

i was never good in love.
nor do i want to be at this age.still
some guys are weird like totally
they chat with you via phone,msn and some meet ups
and they declare they love you
and fyi mister,if i really love someone i won't type ily!
that is so cheap and its meaningless..
not sincere at all
and what make you think you're worth my love?
you don't catch my attention at all.
rather you turn me off.
what is love to you?
some infactuation you feel or a crush i guess.
till now, i myself, can't figure out what love really mean.
and your cheap talks ain't love.
you're just drown in desperation for a companion.
and honestly you're sweet talks are nothing but cheap entertainment


ok back to me..
been sitting at home.
merely doing nothing
accept eat,sleep, watch tv,and hog the comp
LIFELESS.word.
and the furthest i go is bedok north,blk 422
chet!
i must get a job sometime soon.
i wouldnt be please if i were to gain anymore weight





"i want a boyfriend who will make me laugh 24/7" -fadilah