should i?

dear mum,
i promise you that one day i will go
and its not to make you sad
hence, make me happy
at least after i go i know you have one less child to think about.

im juggling everything on my fingertips
i plan to pay for my o level fees using my first pay
at least that way i won't add on to dad's burden
but when i ask you for money you shout at the top of your voice
you're my mum and yet you acted that way
if not you who else should give me money
and its not that when i get my first pay i wont give you money
moreover i will be giving you half of it.
what more do you want me to do as a daughter
you even call me a slut the other day
you said i was involved in vulgar activities.
i never expect it to be coming from you
till now im still hurt.
tears welling up but hey im strong enough to pull through
but my patience is at its peak.
i need someone to hug me and give me this sense of security, the warmth & the comfort
i kept thinking what life for you,mum would be like when im gone
and how would i end everything
does jumping down a block of flats hurt?
will consumption of sleeping pills slows down my death?
by being with friends i always hope it will somehow perished my sorrows
but its just too hurtful for me to ignore.
your voice,those hurtful words its on repeat in my mind
im trying hard enough to hide my sadness between those laughters
but hell it does hurt.
i can't handle this
im not strong enough
im as fragile as a glass.
i was never this way
im struggling to be independent, standing on my two bare feet
without getting help from you
but that is if my patience last.